Welcome to the September Issue!
Hey all my lovelies!
I’m so happy to be back for another blog post! I’ve been
kinda going back and forth on what I wanted to write about for this one and
what’s really been on my mind is that I’m just going to go for it and wing it,
so to speak! One of the reasons I’ve kinda avoided updating my blog was because
1, I was scared and 2, I didn’t feel like my voice was strong enough or worth
listening to. Like who am I to think my blog is worth reading when there are so
many other blogs out there and so many girls (and guys even) that are trendier
and prettier and have thousands more followers then me?? It’s a little nerve wrecking.
One of the things I’ve been focusing on lately while on my “work
vacation” is finding my voice. In addition to binging the Style Your Mind
podcast it has opened a door for me to plenty of others including Noa Shaw’s “I’m
here to help” which is about his journey down the addiction road and how it
lead him to SoulCycle. Now, I never had an addiction but I have had one too
many blackouts that resulted in me waking up places with people I didn’t know….But
less on that and more on the podcast. I Noa’s podcast doesn’t judge people in
fact it does the opposite, it helps people. I didn’t have a terrible childhood.
I had a good childhood filled with lots of love from my grandparents and plenty
of vacations that I knew the other kids weren’t taking at my age.
However, the one thing missing from my childhood was a dad.
Long story short, my mom had me when she was 15. Much younger than your average
“16 and Pregnant” tv star. My dad was around for a little but being the
ultimate “player player” that he was, wasn’t interested in being a father just
yet. So my grandfather ultimately became what I knew of a dad to be. He filled
two roles at once. He took me to school, cooked dinner, and took me to the park
down the street every day after he came home from work so I could let my
imagination run wild on the playground. Still I felt like I was missing
something. Fast forward a few years later and my mom married her first husband
and I suddenly had a family. Fast forward a few years after that and my family
was breaking up. My mom filed for divorce and suddenly I was home alone every
night while they avoided seeing each other. As this was happening I learned my
mom reconnected with my dad, who at the time was battling Stage 4 Hodgkin’s
Lymphoma. My mom wasn’t even sure if he was going to make it but she flew me
down during my 8th grade spring break to see him just in case that
was the last time.
My mom was able to convince my dad to come back to Chicago
(he was living in El Paso at the time) to get treatment at Northwestern
Hospital and in the process of his treatments and recovery, they got married. I
got the family I always wanted. I had to be strong for myself and my mom while
my dad fought for his life and went through every possible treatment you could
think of; chemo, radiation, and even a stem cell transplant. By the time I was
finishing my freshman year in high school my mom sent me a text that my dad’s
cancer was gone and he was free! I’d never been so happy in my life because I
knew that he was her whole world. Now not to ruin a happy ending but flash
forward again a few years later and the cancer is back. My dad is now doing an
Immunotherapy treatment every two weeks that doesn’t take any of his energy
away or make him sick. My mom and I do what we can for him but until the cancer
is 100% gone he will have to be on this treatment indefinitely.
Mind you, he’s
been battling cancer for 13 years and on Sunday he’ll celebrate his 43rd
birthday.
Grab a tissue and wipe away your tears. I know it’s a lot to
take in. I don’t let my story define me. I always laugh at the girls on the
Bachelor who sit there spewing their sob stories to get the guy to fall for
them over the other girls. I never wanted to be that girl. I also never felt
like my story was worthy enough to “better” or “worse” than someone else’s. I
just want to be taken seriously as the person I am. Now who am I? Well that’s
what I’m trying to figure out. Going back to the beginning of this post, I said
that the reason I didn’t write was because I didn’t feel like I had anything
important to say. How sad is that?
Something I’ve come to terms with lately is that it doesn’t
matter if you think other people won’t think you’re good enough or won’t like
your blog or if someone else has 5k followers and you only have 500. What
matters is how it makes you feel. When I write my blog it feels like a piece of
my soul is bleeding out over the keys of my computer and I get to share with
you (and you could be 1 person or you could be 100 it really doesn’t matter)
because it makes me feel sooooo good. I get excited now when I think about my
schedule for the upcoming week and wondering when will I have time to sit down
and dedicate one hour, just one, to writing my blog, my story?
I used to be afraid of my voice because I didn’t want people
to sit there and judge me and wonder “Who does SHE think she is to write a
blog? She has no style. She’s no one.” That’s just it. I learned through my
podcast, through my Facebook groups, even through my meditation that it doesn’t
matter what other people think. It only matters what I think and what I feel. I’m
working on finding myself. I don’t wanna call it ‘reinventing’ because I like
who I am but now I wanna know more. I wanna find what it is that is truly going
to make me passionate and wake up every morning eager to start my day.
One of the things I did today that I’m so proud of myself
for is I went to a spin class at my gym. One of the things Cara Alwill talks
about on her podcast a lot is her addiction to SoulCycle. So this morning I got
up and made myself go to the 9:15am class. Within 20mins I wanted to quit. I
kept telling myself, “If Cara can do it so can you! You got this! Just fucking
do it! You’re almost there!” Before I knew it the class was over and I was
drenched in sweat and drank my entire 33oz bottle of Essentia water! I felt
like such a badass and I was so proud of myself. Not a bad way to start the
month off right?
Speaking of which, it is September! Where has this year
gone?!
My goals for this month:
1.
Get a job that I am excited to wake up and go to
work to!
2.
Continue to improve my health and fitness regime
3.
Go to a pumpkin patch (is it too early?)
4.
Blog at least once a week (2 on a good week!)
5.
Find myself
Until next time xoxo,
Jules
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